T to the Jar

Written as an assignment for the IWCU's June Write Now! event

 Pretty today. Face looks thin – have I lost weight? Not even the size of my thighs bothers me. As long as I’m standing up. I don’t bother to look at my stomach.

  I will continue not to mind until I go out and see other women. The thin, sometimes undernourished variety: looking at myself through what I think are their eyes. I’ll see a fat person then, and relish in the site.

 But not today…

 Today I see what my husband sees: Beauty. Soft, feminine curves. That sparkle in my eye and the comfort of my smile.

Gone now are the promises unkept that dull my eyes; the opportunities missed that sit in dark circles under them; the things I could have been but never became in the pain and pressure of pimples-yet-to-come just hiding under the surface of my skin; the lies told heavy in the wrinkles that sometimes, unwanted, grace my forehead; the neglect I have done unto myself that erase the laugh lines around my mouth.

Not today.

 Today I see all the potential. Today I see all the accomplishments. Today I see the gift of a new day to start anew. Today I see love. Today I see wonderful. Today I see beauty. Today I want to hold myself close. Take care of myself. Protect myself from me. Today I see what my husband sees. What my mother and my father and my brother and my dog and my friends and all those I touch see. What I realize is what everyone else sees.

 “You’re too hard on yourself,” I tell the woman in the mirror.

 And she stares back at me, dead in the eye – and I know she believes it.

Tiffany Jansen
June 2009

 

 

Written as an assignment for the IWCU's April Write Now! event

As imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world, we are subjected to a lifetime of one disappointment after another. We're disappointed when we don't get what we want, or when things don't go as planned. The list of sources of disappointment are endless: cars, books, hair, movies, animals, children, places, weather, people, circumstances, outcomes, relationships... Things gigantic to miniscule and everything in between. They can be crippling, depressing, dismissed by a simple shrug of the shoulders, or even turned into something positive with the right attitude.

I think the most powerful are disappointments that come from within. In other words, when we disappoint ourselves. Even when we disappoint others it is we who are the real victims. The thing about self-disappointment is that its so easy! Let me use myself as an example:

Right now, I have no work permit and, as a result, no job. Therefore, I have an inordinate amount of free time on my hands. I could take the dog out for a long walk of a nice run. Go on a cycling excursion somewhere. Do one of those exercise DVDs that have been doing nothing lately but collect dust. I could visit a museum or go shopping. Meet up with a friend. Do some reading, writing, webdesign. Practice my Dutch. These are by no means unachievable ideals or lofty goals. They're do-able, pleasurable, active... so why don't I do any of it?

Answer: Because if I spend all day rotting in front of Facebook and checking my email every five minutes (broken up by some mindless websurfing), the only person I have to answer to at the end of the day is myself. The only one who ends up disappointed by what I have failed to accomplish or do for myself is me. And for some unfathomable reason, that's ok. I mean, I'm not going to yell at or lecture myself. I'm not going to threaten to hate myself forever or not be friends with myself anymore. And if I chose not to tell anyone about my letting myself down, no one will ever know but me. I can sweep it under the rug and forget about it. Or I could give myself false promises like "I'll do it later" or "I'll just wait until tomorrow." Often times, we don't even acknowledge that there is such a thing as self-disappointment!

There's a brilliant line in Meredith Wilson's musical The Music Man where Harold Hill says to Marian, "If you collect tomorrows, you'll end up with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays." Empty. Now that's disappointment. When you reach into the cookie jar for a cookie only to find they've already been eaten. Having an empty house once your kids have grown and moved away. To log onto your email account or peer into your mailbox only to find there's nothing there. Or to get on stage to perform a show you've worked long and hard on only to find that no one came. When you spritz on your favorite perfume, but nothing comes out because the bottles empty. To realize that someone you loved so deeply doesn't feel the same way about you leaves your heart empty.

What a wonderful way to describe disappointment: emptiness.


Tiffany Raye Jansen
April 2009

Since I've written in this blog. I've decided it's time to delete my myspace and move on... But I had some stuff from my profile I didn't want to lose so I've been posting it here. After this, don't expect to see much activity here. However, I have been a busy little bee on the other blog, so check that one out!

thejansens

How ironical!

Your Inner European is Dutch!

Open minded and tolerant. You're up for just about anything.

Who's Your Inner European?

Didn't have the heart to delete 'em, so get ready for total bombardment!!!

PSA

You know you're a beauty queen when:


You know the difference between a crown and a tiara.

When you watch a coronation on television, you can guess the diameter and height of the crown.

You have 10 crowns collecting dust in your attic, and 30 more in a glass
showcase in your living room.

You own 2 pairs of taupe leather pumps.

You have won a swimsuit competition thanks to glue.

You think 5-inch acrylic heels go with everything.

You always stand in model stance.

Your coach has never caught a football.

Your body was designed by Mike.

You have every issue of Pageantry magazine, but have never bought a single copy.

Diet Coke is the breakfast of champions.

You watch a televised pageant and have the winner, and all four runner-ups picked from introductions.

You have a platform, but have never stood on it.

You have practiced your "winning reaction" in the mirror.

You paid more for your evening gown than for your car.

You know the names and homestates of the last ten Miss Americas, Miss USAs, Miss Teen USAs and Miss Universes.

You postponed your wedding due to a pageant.

You do your modeling routine in your sleep.

Your western wear doesn't include jeans.

You consider a week long pageant short.

Your wedding party consisted of fellow contestants.

You have been serenaded on stage by a gay man in a tuxedo.

Your headshot looks like an oil painting.

You have an oil painting... of yourself, in your sash and crown.

You have a runway in your garage.

Your teeth aren't just white, they are porcelin.

You have been winning photo contests since the age of 3.

Three suitcases for a vacation is considered "packing light."

You have perfected "elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist."

You have bought an entire competition wardrobe at a trunk show.

You have been in more parades than Mickey Mouse.

You have an entire scrapbook dedicated to each one of your titles.

You put your hands on top in the winner's circle.

You have seen every pageant movie ever made.

Your Holiday cards are autographed headshots of yourself.

Your hair stylist, dentist, trainer, and coach are on speed dial.

You consider RHINESTONES to be a girl's best friend.

You really do want world peace.

If you are thinking, "Gosh, it's been a long time since Leglyblondie posted something." what you have been led to believe is not true. I'm giving up Leglyblondie and posting at http://thejansens.livejournal.com. So come read it! See you there :0)

PDATE: Woman's body found in Logan Canyon Identified

Last Update: 11/13 10:00 pm
Print Story | Email Story


Tiffany Jarman Indentified
CACHE COUNTY, Utah (ABC 4 News) - Police have identified the woman found in Logan Canyon Saturday. The mystery of how she got there remains.

The Cache County Sheriff's Office identified the body found in Logan Canyon as Tiffany Britt Jarman of Salt Lake City.

Jarman's body was found by a fisherman Saturday. Investigators say her body had been a long time making it difficult to identify her. Now they will try to piece together her life.

Anyone with information should call the sheriff's office. We'll have more on this story on Good Morning Utah and our website, abc4.com.
Copyright 2008 High Plains Broadcasting LLC All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Turner is microchipped for the Netherlands! Now he just needs a crate and to pack the rest of his toys, clothes, brushes, and nail clippers. He did so well today! His daddy (Schatje) and I were very proud! Can I tell you... the needle they use to insert the chip the size of a phillips screw-driver! No joke or exaggeration! I had always heard it was a regular sized needle! But Mommy (that's me!) got him a handburger (that's what Turner calls them) and we got a Frederick County Humane Society t-shirt for Daddy!

aaaand... I have a long term position teaching 4th grade at Thurmont Elementary! I go to school on the 19th and the kids go back on the 25th! $15.91 per hour... kind of an odd number, but big enough that I'm not complainin'!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SCHATJE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SCHATJE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SCHATJE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY AMAZING HONEY!

He turned the big 3-6 on Thursday!

Is to stop this see-each-other-for-a-few-days-then-not-see-each-other-for-a-few-months crap. I want to go to sleep next to each other and wake up the same way. I want to be able to talk everyday without worrying how much the conversation is costing or the 6 hour time difference. Even seeing him once a week would be amazing. I want us to be able to be there for important events in the other's life. I want visits not to have to cost a couple hundred dollars. I want to plan in person and not over the internet. I want to kiss whoever invented the internet. And Skype. And webcams. I want to thank my dad for working for an airline so we can fly 1st class to see each other for less than the cost of an economy ticket. I want each of us to have an endless supply of sick and vacation days. Just a few more months. And then I'll have a whole batch of new wants

at the Blair Mansion Inn in Silver Spring, MD